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Ron Paul makes men gay, says recent study

March 1, 2012

When not being mistaken as the ghost of Henry Gibson, Ron Paul is found deep in the race for president. And while many have speculated on his possible racist history, but not much has been made of his apparent disapproval of the homosexual community.

Politically, the congressman has remained neutral on the issue of gay marriage, saying it’s an issue for the individual states to decide, but his personal beliefs are opposed to the LGBT lifestyle. Some of his campaign staff have fled due to his opinions. All of which makes the findings of a recent study all the more surprising: Strong evidence suggests that Ron Paul himself  may be turning young men into homosexuals.

“It starts with watching a few YouTube clips,” says study conductor Mitch Ryan. “Then maybe you start posting them on your Twitter or Facebook. But then it doesn’t stop. Your whole life is consumed with letting the world know his message and then finally you become full-blown gay for Ron Paul.”

The study also shows that it’s usually people with no interest or knowledge of the political process who are the most susceptible to becoming “Paulsexuals.” Usually young white men with a history of pot smoking and listening to Mars Volta are the most susceptible, who after pursuing Paul politics suddenly find the only way they can achieve an erection is through defending Ron Paul — especially to people who didn’t even bring the subject up.

“The study is an important first step in identifying those afflicted before the eventual letdown of Ron Paul not being elected president,” continued Ryan. “What we don’t want is a repeat of all the Ralph Nadersexuals from the last decade, who themselves never fully recovered and either died of dysentery or invested in those stupid running shoes with the individual toes.”

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Swiss Army Robot is a satirical column written by Jay Whitecotton and is intended to be taken as seriously as possible. You can find him on Facebook and Twitter.com/whitecotton. Write him at swissarmyrobot@sacurrent.com

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  • Brandon

    This is gay.

  • Brandon

    This is gay.

  • Ress2023

    Twisted bromance, maybe.  Gay.  I don’t think so.

  • Jack Pearson

    Satire is supposed to make you think.  Reading a few words just makes me want to stop thinking about this weak attempt at humor.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/MME4V72IYKDQGNYO7RUD2JI5CM christopher

    your story is gay!

  • Po90i

    this was so fucking dumb i really dont like ron paul but this was just plain 2nd grade work here

  • Dallas

    All that Ron Paul stuff you wrote, just to come out of the closet Jay Whitecotton 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RX7WFHMOXDEKLHVBMTJH3TRRME SteveO

    I fail to find any taste in this….*BUUUUUURP* Oh there it is.

  • Faggot

    How did we get to a point where something as unnatural and disgusting has turned acceptable to so many.

  • Poop

    Blogging while eating a panini and using free wifi doesn’t make you a professional.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CTE3P3RDYWCYCA2URDKHV4KKXM Moto123

    Looks like there are some people who are upset about a writer poking fun at their first gay crush.  Just be sure you don’t get caught in a gay club and then do a hit and run in the parking lot.  

  • Nick A

    this is fucking dumb as fucking shit. 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/5XGFEC2PXHUGUN5S7KROJUATDI Brian J

    Is this what they print in the paper these days?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UJYFB6M3WCZYBI6LY43CYD2QPQ Targitty

    “full-blown gay for Ron Paul”? WTF

  • Jaywhitecotton
  • Jaywhitecotton

    Not until R Kelly sings about it…

  • Jaywhitecotton

    did… did you read this in a paper? A remarkable feat for an on-line blog sir!

  • Jaywhitecotton

    I knew you’d approve Nick ;)

  • Jaywhitecotton

    I’m genuinely impressed! This is exactly what happened… Cuban Panini using Panera’s free wi-f-…You were amazingly spot on – however – I must insist that no one is or has ever used the word ‘professional’ here

  • Jaywhitecotton

    then YOU try to explain the music and the jean shorts in this video!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btLZRAvZhJI

  • Jaywhitecotton
  • Jaywhitecotton
  • Jaywhitecotton

    Then you will need this to help you read it…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2Y5DyC8YOQ

  • Jaywhitecotton

    well…i admit it’s not as funny as 7th Heaven or Touched by an Angel… but I think the subtle jabs at many of his supporters extreme adoring affection for the man combined with the Ralph Nader reference made for quite the musing… i don’t know…maybe next time you should – i dunno – “think” it over?

  • Harry Seaward

    I like how people expect soooo much from a blog on the Current. This isnt the NewYorker people. This piece was clever, short and to the point. Not everything has to be War &Peace. But, I guess, in a comment box, on a blog, everyone should have the freedom to act like they are Northrop Fyre.

  • Chaz McLaughlin

    This is poorly written slop.  But it is a blog.  What can you expect. 

  • Angela Leibold

    I see what you are saying here, Jay. I was thinking of a cousin of mine that continues to push Ron Paul and the twin towers conspiracy theory while he smokes pot in his grandparent’s basement. Spot on.