Nathan Martinez, Caveman, Wants A Girlfriend
Finding true love is difficult for anyone, but it’s much harder when you’re basically the Mexican Bear Grylls. Nathan Martinez, self-described caveman, is on the hunt for a mate. He posted a flyer this week in the Southwest School of Art’s ceramics department seeking a girlfriend. And, ladies, this one is a keeper.
In addition to the Southwest School of Art, Martinez has placed flyers at Half Price Books, the Central Library and area parks and grocery stores. For those who think this is some sort of stunt, Martinez ensures his endeavor for love is genuine.
“It is very sincere. I’ve tried every other avenue I could think of with no luck and feel I’ve got nothing left to lose. I’ve done just about everything I wanted to in life, except this.”
If Martinez had a OKCupid profile, he would describe himself as “outdoorsy.” That would be an understatement.
According to the flyer, “He’s travelled from the Alaska to the Amazon, lived with exotic tribes, sailed in ferocious storms, killed deer with his bare hands and faced down a mother of a mountain lion.”
Martinez goes on to say that he’s never, no, not ever, had a girlfriend. I’ll let you take a moment to process that tragedy.
“I have tried every dating/social networking site that I know of,” Martinez said. “I’ve tried bars, clubs, dance halls, work, a mental hospital, Spring Break, you name it.”
But no such luck.
“Unlucky is an understatement. I’ve had plenty of female acquaintances I was interested in, but none that were interested in return,” he added.
Despite spending so much time in the wild, Martinez is far from feral. He describes himself as a “experimental archaeologist.” He studied anthropology and applied linguistics in Chicago, and worked for seven years at the Shumla Archaeological and Education Center as a primitive technology and foraging lifeways instructor in Comstock, Texas. He conducted an experiment to determine possible mechanical causes of anthropogenic groove marks found on limestone at the University of Nevada, and has trained Witte Museum staff on prehistoric foraging technology. The Discovery Channel has tapped his expertise for programs such as Curiosity: I, Caveman and Man Vs Wild, featuring the aforementioned Bear Grylls. He’s even a published author. His book, Subsistence: A Guide for the Modern Hunter-Gatherer, is on Amazon and everything. The reviews aren’t too shabby, either.
Martinez has conquered land and sea, and now he’s ready to conquer your heart. But he is not about to club any woman over the head who is interested in picking up what he’s putting down. He plans to win you over with the seductive power of nature. His flyer lists three romantic date proposals that get progressively more adventurous.
1st Date: Looking for pecans at the park before the season ends, makin’ out in the top of an oak tree, watching feral cats.
2nd Date: Spending a week camped on the beach without tents during Spring Break, wearing deerskins, lighting fires with two sticks and getting all the free beer we want, eating raw fish, spearing stingrays and flounder at night and laughing at body builders that don’t know how to swing a machete.
3rd Date: Ride the bus to New Mexico, hitchhike to a Wilderness Area, spend 6 months living like animals in a cave while measuring the effects of linguistic attrition and visuo-spatial problem-solving dominance on altered states of consciousness and neuroplasticity in the prefrontal cortex.
It beats dinner and a movie, but it’s quite a time commitment. Martinez says that’s the point.
“I would not really want to date someone who has a conventional job or mindset. The real question should be, how can it be that no one else can find the time to do this? There are billions of people on the planet following conventional wisdom that crystallized in only the past hundred years – a blink of an eye in evolutionary time. If flipping burgers, paying the bills, and escaping from it all with drugs (including religion and TV) are all there is to human life these days, maybe humanity should go the way of the dinosaurs.”
For the superficial types, Martinez is 29, 5’8” and 140 pounds. But judging from the flyer, superficial types need not apply.
So what sort of woman is Martinez on the hunt for?
“I’m looking for someone who is highly intelligent, wild as a chimpanzee, as fierce as a lioness and highly unconventional. Physically, in decent enough shape to walk 30 miles in a day and who doesn’t shave or wear makeup.”
So what do you think ladies? He’s the type of man you could bring home to mom, but who could also come in handy should the apocalypse lay waste to civilization and you need to find some berries. Interested woman who want to cast modern conveniences aside for a chance at true love can reach out to Martinez.