The Average Texan Lasts About Three Minutes During Sex
Texas is number one in a lot of things: the uninsured, greenhouse gas emissions, pet adoptions, fried turkey-related fires. But one thing Texas is not number one at is the longest average sex session. According to Nerve, that website you used to read in 1999, but have since forgotten about, Texas comes in at 20. Texas can do better.
The average time is takes Texans to bump and grind is three minutes and six seconds, roughly twice the amount of time it takes to ride the Iron Rattler at Fiesta Texas. (The ride lasts one minute and 52 seconds, for those who prefer doing math to doing the nasty, which is, hopefully, no one.)
While three minutes and some-odd change is nothing to write Penthouse Letters about (make no mistake, you should be ashamed), it’s enough to beat out hedonistic havens such as California and Wyoming. Rhode Island and Connecticut edged out the Lone Star State, coming in at 18 an 19, respectively, adding credence to the oft-uttered phrase, “Size doesn’t matter.”
The ranking was compiled by the makers of the Spreadsheets, a mobile app that rides the trend of biometrics and personal data collection to quantify your lovemaking. The app gathers data on a user’s movements and audio levels to compile statistics on sexual performance, including stamina and calories burned. In short, it takes something fun like sexual congress and applies math to kill the mood. The app strays a bit too much on the heteronormative side, perhaps because the mysteries of lesbian sex can’t be quantified.
San Antonians tend to be late adopters when it comes to technology, probably because their too busy knocking boots. So who knows how accurate Texas’s number 20 ranking is? Still we can’t be beaten by our neighbors to the west. New Mexico, whose state motto is, “It Grows as it Goes,” takes the top spot. The average sex session lasts seven minutes and one second in the Land of Enchantment.
Texans have their work cut out for them.